I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
You can't motorboat a personality
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
