Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
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