i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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