Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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