I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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