There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I just found puke in my bra..
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
