I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
God I need to hump something, right now.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
