I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
