I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
