This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
