The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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