I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
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