i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
