Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Randomize
