I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
