I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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