he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
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