i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
