If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
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