Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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