I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
