Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
