Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
