i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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