I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
