When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
