Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I think your dad took our porno
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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