Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
