A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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