Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
