im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
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Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
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