he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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