I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
