For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
