i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Randomize
