why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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