A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
