I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
