my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize