she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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