I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
If I die, sorry about rent.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.