FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
