my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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