Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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