I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
