I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
