I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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