Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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