I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Somerville?? What the hell are you going to do there?
Watch a movie and have sloppy make outs OBVI. 45 Harris St. in case I die.
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
