dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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