Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
