I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
My penis needs a shock collar
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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