It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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