Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
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Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
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you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
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