i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
