i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
