went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
