Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
