Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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